A Narniatalia Crack Fic
by Bri Nara
Summary: One day Alfred asked Tino and Victoria to explore with him. They ended up in a magical land under Mr. Carriedo's wooden desk. Crack fic. Based off an RP.
1. Prologue: Cold as hell here

**United States of Hetalia, Hetalia Highh, and Narnian Dragon Productions  
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_America- Peter_

_Seychelles- Lucy_

_Spain- Tumnus_

_Prussia- White Witch_

_Finland- Susan_

_Canada- Edmund_

_Japan- Aslan_

_I'm in this RP group on deviantart, and one day America asks Finland if he wanted to go __exploring. It resulted in most of the people in the chat __making this incredibly cracktastic crossover that I offered to turn into a crack fic. It was hard seeing as I had to copy-paste the entire chat onto Microsoft word, and rearrange it to make enough sense. I say ENOUGH, that doesn't mean this makes sense. XD__ (Plot was a train-wreck before.)_

_I don't own Hetalia, that belongs to Himaruya. I don't own Narnia, that belongs to Mr. C.S. Lewis (my favorite author)._

_If the characters seem OOC, __well this WAS done in an RP. XD_

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><p>"Antonio!"<p>

Gilbert Beilschmidt ran towards the room where cooking class was usually held. He looked around.

No Spaniard. Not even at his glowing mahogany desk.

Wait, what? Glowing?

Gilbert approached where the glow was coming from.

"Why the hell is Antonio's desk glowing and how come mine doesn't do that?"

Suddenly the floor beneath him started falling apart.

"OH SH-"

Gilbert fell through the floor, and landed face-first into snow.

"Das Fick?"

Gilbert looked around. Where-ever he was it was:

Not Antonio's classroom.

In front of a big-ass white castle.

And cold as hell.

Seeing that there was nowhere else to go, Gilbert went into the castle.

"Hello? Is there anyone in here? If there is, can you _please _turn the heat?"

Gilbert saw statues everywhere. While he was looking around at said statues, he didn't watch where he was going and crashed into a random statue.

A wolf later found an unconscious Prussian with amnesia...

Meanwhile back at school...

"Gilbert~? Donde estas~? I heard you were looking for me!"

Antonio looked into the cooking room.

"Not here~."

Antonio noticed his desk was glowing. "I didn't know it could do that! o_o"

The floor beneath him crumble.

"Que? Oh. AAH!"

**XD And this is just the prologue. Wait, it gets more cracky next chapter.**

**Review~.**


	2. WTF? A goat?

_Ok. Here's where the actual RP started. Thank the people of the RP Group. The little actors/co-writers of this little crack fic. I don't own Hetalia or Narnia, and neither do they. At least, I don't think they do. O.o_

_FYI, I'm the group's Japan~. That's why he's not in here yet. ^_^_

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><p>"Hi Tino!" Alfred said brightly as he ran to the Finnish boy.<p>

"Oh. Hi Al." Tino said with a smile.

"Wanna go 'splorin'? :D"

Tino's smile got wider. "OMG, YES..."

Alfred linked his arm with Tino's and grinned. "Awww yeaaah." And he proceeded to skip/drag Tino down the hallways of the school.

And Victoria, aka Sey, followed them since she had nothing better to do.

Tino sweatdropped at the skipping American. "Where are we going?"

"I have no idea. :D"

"Awesome~."

Suddenly Alfred stopped and Tino this amazed look. "Dood. Did. You. Hear. About. The Urban. Legend?"

"Which would be...?"

Alfred smiled and nearly whispered "...That you can get into Narnia."

Tino and Sey both gave him a look that said:

'What.'

"Yeah! Dood. We have to find the magical wardrobe!"

Then Tino smiled again. This could be fun. "Alright. Let's do this! I bet it's in Mr. Carriedo's classroom! He hides all sorts of crap in his class!"

Sey sweatdropped. "There probably aren't that many wardrobes in this school."

But Alfred ignored her. "OH MY GOD! LET'S GO! :D" He grabbed both of them and kidnapped/lead them to the cooking room.

"Where did Mr. Carriedo go anyway?"

"Who cares?" both of the boys responded.

The boys nearly tore up the cooking room in their search for a magic land in their teacher's classroom. Sey just sat at the desk and watched.

"Tomato." Toss. "Flamenco dress." Toss. "Cape." Toss. "Felipe the Turtle." Toss. "Churro." Almost bite.

"Alfred! Put that down! You don't know where it's been!"

"Ew. Good point." Toss. "There's nothing in here!"

Alfred and Tino were about to leave until Sey noticed the desk she was sitting at was glowing. "Uh, guys..." They both stopped just as the floor under Sey was falling apart. "GUYS! O_O"

Tino grabbed onto Sey just as she fell into Narnia, dragging him with her.

Alfred just jumped. "WOOHOO! :D"

They all landed in snow. That's right. Snow. Sey and Tino looked around with equally freaked out looks.

"SNOW. HOLY POOP."

"Oh, hello children~!" said a cheery voice behind them.

It looked just like their teacher, Mr. Carriedo. Except he had goat legs. And was shirtless. And was wearing a pedo-face.

Tino and Sey gave him 'WTF happened to your legs' looks. Alfred on the other hand, gave him an 'OMG' look.

MR. CARRIEDO. IS THIS..." Alfred whispered the next word. "...Narnia?"

Mr. Carriedo nodded, even though he looked about as confused as his other two students.

Then Alfred glomped the half-goat-teacher. "YOU ARE A GOAT. THEREFORE, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU."

"Whoa! WHAT? NO."

Tino finally managed to say something in this random moment. "YOU."

Mr. Carriedo blinked and pointed at himself. "Me?"

"Why are you half goat?" Sey asked.

"Because I'm a satyr, of course~," he laughed.

Ok. Our teacher lost his mind. And his legs.

"So... you're a satyr... and a vampire?" Tino asked. "A vamptyr?"

The satyr tilted his head to the side. "What's a vampire?"

"You."

Tino finally managed to drag Alfred off their teacher, who started sighing 'Epar. Epaaar.' (Spell it backwards XD)

Sey whispered to Tino. "Are you sure that's Mr. Carriedo? He seems a lot more... horny."

"Let me check." Tino looked at the satyr. "Do you by any chance like churros?"

"Oh, I don't just _like _churros~..." And the perv-face returned.

"Yeah, that's him."

"That's... slightly disturbing." 'At least he doesn't remember I'm supposedly his daughter.'

Right on cue, Mr. Carriedo looked at Sey. "You look _just _like my daughter~."

Facepalm. "Of course."

"No, seriously! Come into my cave and I'll show you a picture~."

Alfred pouted and hugged Sey. "Don't talk to her, you crazy goat man!" And threw a random brick at the Spanish goat-man.

He just smiled and dodged it. "Oh, please come in~. I'll make tomato tea~."

"Why won't you die? :I" Then he threw Tino.

"NOOO! AAH! I'M MEEELTING! DX"

"Al. Let go of me." Sey said bluntly.

"No."

"AL!"

An American and a Finn got pushed off.

"There." Mr. Carriedo said. "That's better~!"

"Dammit, he's strong!" Alfred groaned.

"Come on in, dear~." the satyr cheered. "You seriously look just like her~!"

They entered Mr. Carriedo's cave. Or, the better word here would be crib. There was no other way to describe the furnished cave with a hot tub in it.

Their teacher held up a picture of Sey. "See? Doesn't she look like her?"

Said picture got tore up 10 seconds later.

"Is this your... love lair?" Alfred asked as he looked at the hot tub. "Where you woo all of the goat ladies?"

"No. I live here alone. This is my bachelor pad."

"You have a bachelor pad?" Sey asked.

"Yes. This is my bachelor pad!" he still said with a smile. "Deal with it."

"Where you have sex with all the ladies! Dood. Share! :D" Alfred said.

"So, do you want some tea~?"

All three students took a cup. And Al asked "Will this make me a hot goat stud like you~? :3"

"NO."

"Aww~. D:"

Sey raised an eyebrow and looked at Al. "You have issues."

"I just want to be a hot stud!"

Then they finished their tea and Al dragged the other two students outside.

"Let's do some more 'splorin'~!"

**Remember, the OOC-ness here was not written by me, technically. ^^"**

**And the daughter thing is a joke Spain and America have with Seychelles. ^^"**

**Review~.**


	3. Cold and weird, just like Canada

_Here's the next chapter of my first crossover. Canada gets the spotlight. I don't own Hetalia and neither do the people who RP-ed this._

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><p>Matthew was walking down the hallway. Re-buttoning his pimp-vest and shirt. (It's better not to ask.) He stopped in his tracks when he saw the gaping hole in the middle of the cooking classroom.<p>

"What the...?"

He walked up to the hole and looked down. Nothing but black.

"Hello?"

After a few minutes of staring, Matthew finally decided to jump in.

He got his own special bishie sparkles, since he was the only one to actually land on his feet.

He looked around with wide eyes at the winter wonderland his found himself in.

"It's just like Canada."

He mentally facepalmed for admitting that out loud.

"Hello? Is anyone out here?"

Matthew finally settled to wandering around for a couple of hours. And found nothing.

He finally left out a sigh. A sigh visible in the freezing air.

"Wow... It _is _like Canada."

That was until he saw the big-ass white castle. Matthew looked up at it.

"Wow. This is... huge. It's almost like a fairytale..."

Matthew pushed the giant double doors open and wandered inside.

There were huge statues everywhere. And one of them was moving. And colored.

"HEY BRO!"

Scratch that. It was just Alfred, Tino, and Sey.

"Al? Sey?"

"What'cha doin' here?" Alfred asked/yelled.

"I could ask _you _the same question."

"But you didn't." Sey deadpanned.

Matthew raised an eyebrow and gave Sey a look that said 'Really Hun?'. And Sey glared back.

Alfred wrapped an arm around a resistant Sey. "I was just taking a walk around with my daughter! Then we got lost here."

"For the last time! I am _not _your daughter!"

Matthew rolled his eyes and turned around. "Well, see you later."

"MATT. BRO." Alfred called out. Matthew wasn't turning around. "Are you still mad about that time I blew up your cake in cooking class?"

No. You pay attention to your fake 'daughter' than your own brother. "No. Go away, Alfred. Make it on your own with your 'daughter'."

"Shut up, Matt!" Sey said.

And Matthew strutted out. Like a pimp.

...

Once again, Matthew found himself outside another pair of double doors.

These had a million and one fancy cravings in them, and they looked important.

"YOU THERE!"

Matthew jumped back as the doors opened by themselves. It was a throne room with ice _everywhere_. And sitting in the gigantic throne was-

"Gilbert?" Matthew gasped as he recognized the face of his lov- I mean, teacher.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Gilbert barked.

Matthew didn't answer. He was too busy examining the Prussian. The cocky gleam was gone from his eyes. His face looked cold, and no, not just because there was ice everywhere.

"ANSWER ME, BOY!"

'Oh my gosh... Why on Earth is Gilbert here? And how come he doesn't remember me?'

"I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE QUICKLY! STATE YOUR NAME OR I'LL SEND THE WOLVES ON YOU!"

And he hasn't said the word 'awesome' once. This was _bad. _"M... Matthew...?"

"_WHAT _ARE YOU?"

"A teenager...?"

Gilbert's eyes widened. "A HUMAN?"

Doesn't this Gilbert have an indoor voice? "Isn't it obvious?"

Gilbert, or 'The Awesome White King of Snow', looked shocked for a moment. Then he smiled in that cocky way Matthew remembered.

"Come here, Son of Francis."

"Isn't it 'Son of Adam'?"

"Just come here, Son of Francis!"

Matthew approached the throne. Gilbert leaned over to Matthew and reached behind his back.

Matt totally didn't expect a steaming plate of pancakes.

"Want one?"

**Finally! I remember to update this! :D**

**Enjoy and review!**


	4. Stupid castle and forgetful Mattie

_I know I haven't updated this in a while. But I finally found the motivation to continue._

_Since, like, I left before the RP could finish and before Japan's part so... half this chapter is made up as I go along. I don't own Hetalia, and neither do the awesome people who RPed this._

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><p>Alfred, Sey, and Tino were wandering through the white hallways.<p>

"Shouldn't we go back for Matthew?" Tino asked.

"We don't need Mattie. We have a hero, remember? :I"

They suddenly entered a huge white ballroom with a floor made of ice.

"Whoa..." all three of the teenagers said.

Sey took a step forward and immediately cracks started appearing everywhere.

"Sey," Alfred said bluntly, "Why you so fat? :I"

Sey looked like she could slap him. "Dude, you weigh more than me!"

"Do not! Watch!" Alfred walked out to the middle of the ballroom. "See?" Then the ice-floor started cracking and collapsing. "Dammit."

"Alfred!" Tino and Sey yelled just as the floor crumbled beneath them.

Why were floors so unstable nowadays?

"DAMMIT MCDONALD'S!" Alfred yelled as they landed into the throne room where Gilbert and Matthew was.

Sey sat up in the middle of the pile of ice and glared at Alfred. "Al, that was all your fault."

Gilbert blinked and stared blankly at them. "Das Fick?" He looked at Matthew and pointed at them. "Who are they?"

Matthew stared look and hard at his brother and his friends. "...I don't know who they are." Matt said honestly.

"Mattie! Stop lying!" Sey scolded.

"Matt, it's us!" Tino said.

"I don't even know who you are. Stop saying my name." Matthew said bluntly.

Alfred walked up to his amnesic brother. "MATT. WE DE-PANTSED FRANCIS AT HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN WE WERE NINE. YOU TOTALLY KNOW ME." No reaction. "ARTIE WAS SO PROUD. HE EVEN TOOK US OUT TO ICE CREAM!"

"...Who are you?"

Gilbert shrugged. "NO MATTER!" He snapped his fingers and suddenly 12 killer, not-fluffy wolves appeared out of nowhere. "Oh, Lovelies, dinner~!"

Sey looked at the wolves with wide eyes. Alfred looked ready to make a sword out of random items and kick ass. Tino, however, grabbed them both and ran.

"WHAT THE HELL, TINO?" Alfred yelled. "I WAS GOING TO ACTIVATE MY FAT-ASS POWERS AND MAKE A SWORD OUT OF BELLY-BUTTON LINT!"

"Dude," Sey said, "just grab some ice."

"NO! MY LINT HAS SUPER STRENGTH! TINO, LET GO!"

Tino kept running. "No! We can't fight wolves unless a man in a coat gives us weapons for Christmas!"

"Why Christmas?"

"CHRISTMAS MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER!"

They managed to escape the castle, run out into the snow, and fall into a pile of snow.

"Couldn't we just kick their asses, Tino?"

"No! I want my presents! :I"

Suddenly, there was a shadow over them. There was a man with a golden lion-skin coat and black hair. He was holding out swords and a bow.

"Hello."

"Not Santa, but I'll take it."

**Okay, everything from "Oh, Lovelies, dinner~" is me making it up.**

**America: ^^" (We're screwed.)**

**Review~!**


	5. Art teacher in a lion fur coat

_This is no longer me typing out an RP, this is me rewriting a crack story so that it has a bit more sense (and Japan, since I had to leave that chat early.)_

_I don't own Hetalia or Narnia. I would get yelled at if I did. ^^;_

_btw, Japan only has the accent for Rule of Funny. I don't actually RP like that. XD  
><em>

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><p>The three students looked at the man in a lion-skin coat that looked remarkably like their art teacher.<p>

"Herro."

"... Uh..." Sey and Tino said.

"Hi!" Alfred said. "Nice coat! It's fluffy!"

"Uh... thank you." he said with a bow.

"Mr. Honda?"

The Japanese man gave them a confused look. "Who?"

Sey facepalmed. "Even him... Who are you supposed to be?"

"I am Asran."

...

'Did our teacher get his perfect pronunciation knocked out of him or something?' they all thought.

"Don't you mean 'Aslan'?" Tino asked.

"That's what I said. Asran."

"No, you said 'Ass-ran'."

"Sorry." He bowed again. "Would you rike your gifts now?"

"Yes please! :D" Tino and Alfred held out their hands.

"Swords for you."

Sey could not believe their art teacher was giving out weapons as if it were freakin' ice cream.

"And a bow and arrow for you." Mr. Honda shoved a said weapon into Sey's hand.

"...How come I don't get a sword?"

"Because you're a girr."

"Sexist bastard. :I"

"N-Nani?"

"You sexist bastard. :I"

He got the message. "I'm very sorry." Bow. "You can take this too, then." He handed Sey a bottle full of red liquid.

"What is it?"

"A magic drink that wirr make arr your probrems go away."

"...You gave her Tequila?"

"Nani?"

"First you're giving us weapons and now alcohol? What kind of teacher are you? :I"

The Japanese man sweatdropped. "Come. You want to save your friend, right?"

"How do you know about that?" Tino asked.

"I am Asran. I know everything."

"Oh yeah?" Alfred asked. "What color is my underwear?"

Mr. Honda raised an eyebrow. "Yerrow with pictures of frying men in tights."

"...Oh my god, Honda has x-ray vision!" Alfred moved in front of Sey to block his art teacher's view.

"Al. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have x-ray vision..."

Meanwhile inside the castle...

Gilbert's eye twitched.

"Is something wrong?" Matthew said from behind another plate of enchanted pancakes.

"Someone's in my castle... Again."

"How can you tell?"

"I'm just awesome like that," the White King said with a smirk.

The small part of Matthew that wasn't enchanted was thinking 'Oh my god! Some of Gilbert's memory is coming back!'

The rest of him was like: 'Pancakes pancakes pancakes. All Hail Gilbert. Pancakes pancakes pancakes...'

The doors opened dramatically to reveal...

Antonio.

"What the hell are you doing in my castle, Satyr?"

"Can't I come in and say hi to my evil boss~?"

"...Fair enough. If you see any human brats in here, could you kick their asses for me?"

"Ok~. I saw some human kids earlier, they were nice! I wonder if those kids and these kids know each other."

Gilbert and Matthew gave each other a blank look before staring back at Antonio. "You saw them earlier? Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

"Because they called me a stud~! :D"

"...JUST GO KICK SOME ASS!"

"'Kay."

**Watch me get bricked for the accent. Just WATCH. XD**

**Japan: Review.**


	6. Weird battle, brother, and dream

_Final chapter of this crossover thingy._

_I don't own Hetalia or Narnia._

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><p>"I wirr show you how to remove the sperr on your friends," Mr. Honda- Aslan said.<p>

Alfred went up to his art teacher and grabbed his coat. "Is it a cool spell? Secret code? Tell us, man!"

WHAM.

Alfred rubbed the growing lump that was on his head. "Ow! What the heck was that for?" Alfred glared at the sword hilt used to attack him.

"Prease don't touch the coat," the man said as he straightened himself out. "Now, I wirr show you."

WHAM.

"OW! Ok, what was _that _for?"

"That's how you remove it. A swift brow to the head."

The castle doors swung open. Standing in the doorway was Antonio with an axe in his hand. He smiled and waved to them before charging forward.

The three teenagers exchanged glances. "Oh crap..."

The Spaniard lifted the axe over his head. Before he could do anything though, Honda held out his sword so that the satyr ran face-first into the flat of the blade. Antonio was knocked out before he hit the snow.

"Mr. Carriedo?"

"He's fine. Just... unconscious."

Suddenly there was a bright light around their teacher before the knocked out man in the snow disappeared.

"Where did he go?" Sey asked.

"Back to your world, I assume."

"You assume?"

But the Asian went into the castle already.

Meanwhile in the castle...

"Ugh!"

Matthew looked up at the angry ice king.

"Do I have to do _everything _myself? Matthew! Grab a sword! We're kicking out some unwanted guests!"

Matthew tilted his head. "Who?"

"Those other human brats. Don't worry, the awesome me has this."

Once again, a small portion of Matt's mind was glad that Gilbert seemed to be getting his memories back. That same portion was freaking out because he was going to kick his friends' asses.

Suddenly, the door to the throne room was kicked open. Alfred, Tino, Sey and their former art teacher stood in the doorway with their weapons at ready.

"Dude," Alfred said, "I'm here to kick ass and play in the snow and I'm all done playing."

Gilbert facepalmed. "Where the hell did that satyr go?"

"Home."

"Remind me to fire him later. Anyways." He pulled out a sword. "Aslan. My old buddy... shall we get this over with?"

The Japanese man pulled out his own sword. "Hai."

The students just stood there as their teachers fight to the death.

"Should we help him...?"

"Nah."

Tino and Alfred didn't notice Mattie sneak up behind them until Sey pinned him to the wall with an arrow.

"WHOA. What the hell?" Tino yelled

"He was going to attack you! :I" Sey answered.

"Well excuse me for only seeing an arrow nearly kill me-"

"GUYS."

"What?"

"Can we help my mind-controlled brother now?"

"'Kay..."

Mattie continued to stare at them with those wary eyes.

"Do you recognize us yet?" Alfred asked.

"No." was the blunt reply.

"Matt! It's me, Sey! Your partner in cooking class!"

"Hmph."

"It's me, Tino! Remember when we fought over Yeu?"

"Hmph."

"Matthew. It's me. Your brother. Remember that morning when you tried to make pancakes but you came back to them burned? That was me."

The Canadian turned his head toward Alfred and glared. "Alfred F. Jones, you did _what _to my pancakes?"

"He remembers me!" Alfred gave his annoyed brother a hug. "Now hold still!"

"Huh-"

WHAM.

Meanwhile with Kiku and Gilbert...

It was a clash of metal against metal as Gilbert and Kiku's swords collided.

"Give it up!" Gilbert yelled.

"Never!" the other responded.

The man in the coat pressed on, forcing Gilbert to back up more toward a statue.

"Any last words?" Gilbert said with a smirk.

"Yes. Goodnight." Kiku thrust his sword Gilbert's head.

The Prussian leaned back and-

WHAM.

Shortly afterword...

Gilbert jolted awake and rubbed his head.

"What...?" He looked around. He was in Antonio's classroom. And everyone was waking up on the ground. "I just had the weirdest dream."

Alfred opened his eyes and whipped his head around. "Oh my god! Where am I?"

"Mr. Carriedo's classroom, duh." Tino answered.

"...What are we doing on the floor?"

Mr. Honda opened the door. "Ah. You're all alright. You all fainted in here, so I called the nurse."

He can pronounce the letter l again!

"Thank you, Mr. Honda..." They all got up and filed out the room. "We had the weirdest dream..."

"Of course. Dream." Kiku smiled to himself. "Riiiight."

***Flips a table* FINALLY DONE!**

**Anyways, goodbye! ^^**


End file.
